Welcome To My World
# It's a DuBarr Thing
*Pronounced doo-bar.*
**Life is complicated. People are complicated. And sometimes, the thoughts we carry inside us need somewhere to go.**
Welcome to *It's a DuBarr Thing* — my little corner of the world where I put life into words, one thought at a time.
Life has a way of bringing our past back to the surface, teaching us lessons we didn't know we needed, and challenging us to look at ourselves a little differently. Some days bring happiness and gratitude. Other days bring frustration, regret, questions, and truths we'd sometimes rather avoid.
Here, I write about all of it.
This is a place for honest reflections, life lessons, relationships, personal growth, gratitude, mistakes, second chances, and the things we don't always feel comfortable saying out loud. Sometimes I'll share a lesson I've learned. Sometimes I'll simply need to get a thought out of my head and onto paper. And sometimes, I might write something that makes you stop and think about your own life.
I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not here pretending to have all the answers. I'm still learning, still growing, and still figuring things out as I go.
My hope is that somewhere among my words, you'll find something that makes you smile, makes you think, helps you feel understood, or reminds you that you're not the only one who's ever felt a certain way.
Because life is too short to spend it pretending to be someone we're not.
**These are my thoughts, my lessons, my perspective, and my journey.**
Some may agree. Some may disagree. And that's okay.
After all, we each see the world through a different set of eyes.
So take what speaks to you, think about what challenges you, and leave room for a little understanding along the way.
**This is life through my eyes. This is my story, still being written.**
And well… *It's a DuBarr Thing.*
Has anyone else ever sat down and thought to themselves "shit, I'm mean"? I've wondered before if I had it all wrong though today more than ever I am really questioning myself. The reason being is I have terrible OCD and things have to go a certain way. It's one of the main reasons I don't go anywhere or visit many people. I'm unsure how to push those feelings of control aside for the people that just need safety from me. I'll never hurt any child physically though unintentionally I believe I frighten them because I'm stern or my beliefs are so intense that I have to have things done a certain way which is normally never the kids way. Tonight as I sit here on the edge of my bed I want to know how I can be different? I want to know how I can maintain a level of being stern but not so obsessive that I scare a kid? When something is done under the strategy of someone else's brain I want to be able to accept their way, fully accept their proc...
I don't know how to stop being mad at and hating myself so my children stop thinking that I hate them. The truth is I am so ashamed of my life and how I've gone no where. Learning how to cope in society today from what it was for me growing up has been more than complicated. The comments under my breath, the constant sighing, rolling my eyes, and acting as if it's the worst thing in the world that they ask me for anything when I'm busy. It is true and for every reason, that my children think I hate them. The thing about it is that it's not true at all. I love them and I am mad at myself for not doing better for them. They deserve so much better than what I've been able to give them. It's super important for our upbringing that every child has the experiences from both a male and female role model. Realistically we need these role models until we're about 35. It's possible there is much truth behind women needing less time though at ...
Journal Entry: Unknown date and time. The mind is like a muscle exercising it makes it stronger with ability to expand. Cultivate a positive mindset. Very good things can happen from the most challenging battles or negative events. Gratitude- always give "thanks". Rather than wanting anything more be completely thankful for the life you live right now. Every season has a reason. I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can do with what I know. There are so many reasons that I feel lost, incomplete, or not good enough. Every task I try to complete leads me off into another direction where I begin but don't complete a different chore. Stuff gets moved around, left out (to use or just see what's available) and creates chaos for not only me though my kids as well. Many people prove how the world will try to control you. The most important information you need is: you're in complete control of you. No one on this earth will ever hold powe...
If there happens to be another life for me, I'd like to be born with the same knowledge I leave this life with. After living there's a few things I'd like to be aware of for my next life. Granted I get one, I'd like to know how important it is to form a good reputation for yourself. Word of mouth is the most credible way to spread information. When you're good to people; when you act accordingly, treating people with respect even in their weakest moments, allows you to get the upmost respect. If I could I'd like to realize how important it is to do good in school so that I apply myself from the start. Can I know that true love wants to know you spiritually and intellectually before ever knowing you intimately and sexually? In my next life I want to know more about my health, my mind, and my body. Reading body language will help me drastically. From the beginning I'll respect my mom, I'll show her more love. I'll realize that my trauma's nee...
My daughter turns 6 on Sunday. This is actually the first year I've been able to do anything for her. I want to make her day as beautiful as she is.
Days like today I sit and wonder if New York officials get together and make up ways to fuck their people just to reap that money. They've got to realize that New York is not all city. I personally live in a very rural area that doesn't have a transportation line. There are no busses, no taxi's, no Uber's, no trains, or planes. Also there are no stores in walking distance to buy healthy food that is actually good for you and prevents disease and illness of all sorts. The closest store that still isn't in walking distance is a Dollar General and you've got to know that food isn't healthy and is probably the reason why most of America is sick. Almost every kid has ADHD and it's becoming more and more common in adults. Why? Take a look at the generations and what life was like when each was young. There was a time when folks planted and grew their own food. People raised their own cows, pigs, and chickens with intentions to feed their families. As ...
The idea I've had for this blog is one that I've been procrastinating on for too long. Originally I wanted a place to go, as a mother, to vent and talk shit about everything and anything that is weighing me down or causing me to be irritable. Currently, life has been more of a struggle and I'm aggravated. I don't like that I have no patience or that I can't seem to show my gratitude or love to anyone, not even my kids. I wanted a place to let some of the thoughts, memories, and feelings out from the pit of my stomach. Though, I must warn you, I am vulgar and have the tendency to unintentionally hurt feelings. Please forgive me ahead of time because even though I am pretty smart, I don't know everything so I'm always seeking a lesson in every aspect of my life. Every single situation, big or small, is one that I analyze. When there isn't an outcome that I could possibly think of and someone opens my mind to one, I get truly amazed and thankful. With...
Today has been one of those days where all of my burdens on myself have taken turns in waves surfacing and creating havoc in my brain. Right now I'm trying to just practice putting into words to exert all of the thoughts inside my head. The thing is, I'd like to see how descriptive I can be in the least amount of words and to do that requires complete uninterrupted focus which isn't easy to come by. There's a continuous battle I'm in with myself and the path I've chosen. I'm bitter, angry, lonely, and sad. (I'm sure my emotions are running wild seeing as I've not gotten laid in months). I'm going to be 40 this year and the saying "you don't use it you lose it" is a motto for so many aspects of life. This one being, my lady parts. The sad part is that I'm always horny. So my attitude problem and the chaos erupting through my brain is actually withdrawal from dick and I'm starting to develop dick deprivation. Who k...
Four of the most important qualities a human being should possess: 1. Genuine : possessing attributed or claimed character not counterfeit, authentic, real -be yourself- 2. Generous : liberal in giving or sharing, unselfish -be helpful, kind, caring, and understanding- 3. Sympathetic : harmony of or agreement in feeling as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another -from one person to another it's important to compromise as well as accommodate one another- 4. Empathetic : the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another -by imagining yourself in someone else's situation to get an idea of what they're going through- Everything you need to know to get by in life you learn in Kindergarten... patience, manners, respect, self control, sharing, taking turns, picking up your mess, interacting and communicating... etc. No, ...
A few years ago I learned a great way to teach myself all I'm grateful for is to write down 3 things I'm thankful for. Yes, my 3 kids, always though I'm talking about the little things. Things we tend to forget or let go of in passing the days away. There are so many fortunate moments for each and every one of us that go unrecognized because paying attention to them has never been influenced. Kids need to know that their life is never promised and neither are their parents. Sometimes when it seems life has been so unfair it turns out that it's lead us exactly where we need to be. Losing someone or a good thing ending can really run a toll on one person and forget about it if they're responsible for the safety and well being of a child or children. It may seem pretty far fetched and down right stupid though whatever we lose; whoever we lose, it teaches us. "Our loss is another's rejoice" was the quote at the top of a drawing that displayed a person ...
Courage- the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. When I look back in my life, there has been so many times that I've had to show courage and I flaunted it like an owner. It's difficult to find the right words to explain how courage works in me though the one way I can think of it is "fight or flight". When it boils down to something that is festering in my brain or a feeling I can't shake, then I have to do or say something about it. It literally lifts what feels like a heavy weight off from my shoulders. There's been many times that I've been extremely confident. My confidence tends to lean more towards the work that I do and/or when I'm comfortable. The issue with that is, uncomfortable situations are inevitable. It's part of life. The only way I will ever get beyond that uncomfortable state is by having the courage to make it through. Standing tall and proud, even throu...
As a young girl and up through my teens I'd have thoughts about relationships, marriage, and kids, sure. Like many other teenagers I wanted to test the waters. The idea of being loved always inspired me to dream like a little girl but my dreams involved more nature, driving, sight seeing, sex, drugs, music, and so on. Rather than buying a house with a white fence and starting a family I wasn't easy to be with so I spent a lot of my time doing things on my own. Many people struggle immensely with even just the idea of being alone. It's important never to fill the void but to be your own void. I know for me it's the hardest thing in the world to be a good mom when your heart is breaking and I feel like that holds true for a majority of people in this world. A lot of men grow up and want to feel like men. They have an innate desire to provide and protect so I believe it's safe to say that they seek out prospects that help them fill thos...
From the time we're born until about 4 or 5 is the most crucial time in life for adapting to our environment and building our personalities and our character. The life and mindset of the person/people who are raising us has everything to do with who we become. As time goes by we meet new people and gain new insight to a much bigger world than we had originally thought. While a father can have just as much influence on a child, it's the mother that has an initial connection to him or her. From the moment that baby opens their eyes and glares into the eyes of their mother through all the days that come after, she is everything to him. As a baby grows they learn that they are a person, a person who is entitled to have whatever they want. Babies are under the impression that the world revolves around them. Unless they are shown and taught otherwise they continue to grow up thinking this which creates a real problem when they get older. Having ...
Somewhere along the line it was brought to my attention a way of adapting to a more appreciative lifestyle is to write down 3 things I'm thankful for each day. There have been many days I've followed through and many I have not. There's nothing so specific that I could say this blog is about because thoughts and concerns in my mind are all over like a ride at the fair grounds. Get your ticket and get in line because even if you don't get motion sickness you're about to. It's how I've been living almost every day since I brought my daughter home from the hospital. My daughter was born in May of 2018. I've never in my life felt the way I've felt since then. A friend of mine believes that I've had postpartum depression that's never been treated and she just might be right. I've always had some depression but I've never felt so defeated. These days, I find that I feel much better than 3-4 years ago when it was at it's peak. ...
Every single day I get annoyed with my children. I'm also mad at myself every single day because I get so annoyed. It's got to be confusing for them if it's definitely confusing for me. I just don't really know what I can do to manage and deal with the every day stress of being a mom 24/7. In my world there is no breaks, we identify as adults, and the word "bored" isn't in our vocabulary. There is always something to do. It has occurred to me on multiple occasions that I need to embrace and appreciate my life and my children more because there's going to come a time when it will fade and I'll miss this. I do know that I need to make those good and happy memories now so they have a better way to remember me when I'm gone. ~live a life you want to be remembered by~ LL Think about it. When you're gone, how would you want to be remembered?
There's days when I literally think that I'm the only one in the world going through life with such particular struggles and then there are days like today when I think that I better start getting some of this bottled up emotion out; share what I've learned and what I've been through because it's likely there's thousands of other people who are also at a sort of stance in their life. I used to vent here and there thinking I'd benefit, which I did, though, only through my own expressions. It's come to my knowledge that it's better to be ready and prepared for the adventures ahead. Right now it's hard for me to plan out my future as I'd like to see it. In my opinion I feel like it's become pretty hard on everyone to follow through with one set path towards a goal. Paths can shift into a total different direction and will often happen when you least expect it. I fear the next drastic change to my life. I know that always thinking negat...