The affect of our negligence..

 Sometimes when I look at my children I feel sad for them.  Both of my boys really struggle in life.  My oldest son has a drinking problem. Seeing him drink the way he does breaks my heart because I caused him trauma at a young age and I see what's happening.  I hear him go on and on sometimes and deep down I know exactly what he's really saying and I know why. He puts on such a tough guy act and talks like he's big and bad with that "nobody can fuck with me" demeanor though he's actually the complete opposite of what he portrays.  He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring man. It's been blocked out of my mind for the last 16 years and now watching my son a long with the flashbacks that jolt in and out of my brain I've been trying to work through the hurt, guilt, and shame lingering within me.  About 2 years ago I began noticing past events coming to surface and I've had no choice but to endure those thoughts.  I've spent a lot of time crying so hard that my nose would be stuffed though running down my face at the same time.  I had a very hard time catching my breath and I'd have to breath in real deep to get the oxygen my body needed.  I feel like my body knew that the shame and guilt I would feel would be so traumatic causing need for a resting period. During that time, those situations would be blocked out until a later time which is now when certain triggers have activated the flashbacks.  Lately my son has been staying with me again and I guess it's time to get back to work on accepting that trauma so I can move on from it and teach other's that may be heading down that sort of path.  I've many experiences that a younger generation may benefit from hearing about. I'm certainly proud of myself and my abilities.