The only option is forward

 As a young girl and up through my teens I'd have thoughts about relationships, marriage, and kids, sure.  Like many other teenagers I wanted to test the waters.  The idea of being loved always inspired me to dream like a little girl but my dreams involved more nature, driving, sight seeing, sex, drugs, music, and so on.  Rather than buying a house with a white fence and starting a family I wasn't easy to be with so I spent a lot of my time doing things on my own.  Many people struggle immensely with even just the idea of being alone.  It's important never to fill the void but to be your own void.  I know for me it's the hardest thing in the world to be a good mom when your heart is breaking and I feel like that holds true for a majority of people in this world.  A lot of men grow up and want to feel like men.  They have an innate desire to provide and protect so I believe it's safe to say that they seek out prospects that help them fill those needs just the same as females.  In this world today it's extremely rare to meet people who have been in the same relationship since high school or college.  Many people have tried real hard and put in a lot of effort towards a relationship when they're young not realizing that while it does take some gestures it really shouldn't be all that much effort.  

People don't normally get into a relationship and plan to break up someday.  Usually people get into a relationship and vision their future with this person.  Teenagers get an illusion about what they think their adult life will look like though in reality we really have no idea what's to come unless we've had an abundance of self discipline instilled in us from the start. In my opinion, I feel that children that have had the opportunity to be raised by a mom and a dad tend to have that sort of self discipline. Not all of us have that luxury. In more real increasing scenarios there is one parent for the most part. Raising a child is very hard.  It's the most difficult job one could ever have. The idea that people are raising themselves more and more is very scary to me. And, I'm not saying they don't have a parent to provide for them because providing isn't the only thing you'd have to do. There is so much more to being a good parent than just providing financially.  I can say for myself that having a child at a young age has been very detrimental to his and my relationship. Not in a good way. I was selfish at 18 and because the neglect and abandonment I felt from my parents the thought of having my own child looked like love to me.  Oh and it is, for sure. The love I felt and still feel for my first born is more than he could ever know. It's been very hard for me to get by and raise him because I was still growing up myself. We kind of grew up together. He's turned 20 on New Years and we really don't have a very close and loving relationship. I find him to be very resentful towards me and he is very angry inside. He isn't that easy to talk to and he has many moments when he comes right out and says that no one loves him and no one has ever cared about him. It breaks my whole heart. He spent a lot of time with grandparents when he was little.  His father and I were young and we weren't home as we were always off and about being the narcissist parent type and doing what we wanted. I really never even thought about how that would affect him in his young adult to adult years. It's so painful to see what my choices led to and how even the choices I made before having kids is now affecting them and not just me. All the trauma from childhood settles in the gut which is why when something happens we feel it there. As we grow older and we pile on more and more traumatic experiences we reach a limit where we can't grow anymore and the same things keep happening to us until we begin to make peace with all of those memories buried deep into the pit of our stomach.  Once there is room for more experiences we can grow mentally by processing new situations and experiences.

~the choices you make today, will affect you tomorrow~

~rules without relationship leads to rebellion~


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