Be strong, Not sorry....

Somewhere along the line it was brought to my attention a way of adapting to a more appreciative lifestyle is to write down 3 things I'm thankful for each day.  There have been many days I've followed through and many I have not.  There's nothing so specific that I could say this blog is about because thoughts and concerns in my mind are all over like a ride at the fair grounds.  Get your ticket and get in line because even if you don't get motion sickness you're about to.  It's how I've been living almost every day since I brought my daughter home from the hospital. 

My daughter was born in May of 2018.  I've never in my life felt the way I've felt since then.  A friend of mine believes that I've had postpartum depression that's never been treated and she just might be right.  I've always had some depression but I've never felt so defeated.  These days, I find that I feel much better than 3-4 years ago when it was at it's peak.  I had no interest in much of anything.  My daughter was actually the worst pregnancy, the worst labor and delivery, and because my way of living at the time and the sadness I imposed she's been the worst child to raise.  It could be that I'm alone and have no help.  My children feel like I don't love them and I can see why.  I hate myself for being so depressed.  

In my attempts to get my thoughts and feelings under control I've had to find ways to do that on my own without the help of a professional.  These days it's probably much easier to receive help for my mental difference though I am always so lost and can't make a jump to the start of anything that I could do to help myself.  I've been working which has really been a spirit change.  Working has lifted me up quite a bit.  Finally having income has made things less tense.  I want my children to see me happy.  I want them to know that I love them more than anything in this world.  I had them because I wanted them which was very selfish of me.  After listening to podcasts and doing the research it's very clear to me that I have terrible trauma from childhood neglect.  My dad lived in another state and my mom drank so much and unintentionally pushed me away.  Visions pop into my head of when I was just a teenager when I'd be calling around to random places like the bar, my grandpas, and the bowling alley asking for her.  She'd get on the phone when I finally reached the place she was at and tell me she'd be on her way though more nights than not she lied to me.  She stayed gone.  When my sister was born, I raised her.  My mom worked everyday for so many years as a secretary at a college that was about an hour and a half drive there and then again to come home.  She'd rarely ever come straight home.  She'd stop here and there drinking and then driving to her next stop.  She almost always would stop at my grandpas to "check" on him and I believe that's what she intended though the two of them would sit there at the kitchen table for hours sucking down the booze and talking shit.  I just remember always wanting my mom.  

Here I am 39 years old and I still just want my mom.  I'll never have the relationship with her that I'd like to have and that's something that I have no choice but to accept.  I'm unsure if my version of acceptance is wrong or right or if it's the means to a method that leads to answers, though as of a few years ago I stopped allowing myself the chance to know if my mom still drinks. I've learned that sometimes the people you've been closest to have unintentional ways of creating a need to love them from a distance.  While it hurts and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been through and still deals with the feelings, it's important to live happy; stress free.  It's unfair to yourself to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy and stresses you out. It's completely foolish to continue living so sad.  It doesn't matter who it is, no one should jeopardize your peace or your pride. 

~be strong, not sorry...~ LDL


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