It's a DuBarr Thing

"I can’t wait to turn 18," the kid from next door exclaimed. In reply, I questioned whether he understood what lay ahead. He paused for a moment before admitting, "Aside from the casino, I’m not really sure." I responded, "It’s death." Death is the inevitable conclusion we all face in the end. Regardless of our pursuits, we cannot escape death. If more individuals reflected on this reality, would it encourage them to take life at a more leisurely pace instead of rushing toward their goals? I ponder what it would take for the younger generation to slow down and appreciate the beauty that exists in everyone, everywhere, if only we allow ourselves to recognize it.  The only way to instigate change is through consistent practice. We acquire knowledge every day, but the key to truly internalizing and expressing what we learn lies in diligent study. After a week or two of adjusting to a new job that demands a good night's sleep before rising early five days ...

 Lately I just don't feel good about myself.  I've got this phobia with using the phone and it messes with important aspects of my life.  For instance, years could pass by and each day I put off until the next calling the oral surgeon or primary care physician.  Whenever it comes to making any appointment it takes multiple breathing techniques to actually pick up and dial a number. Then more deep breaths waiting for the response.  There are many things I need to make a priority as well as initiative to get them done.  To do that I have to convince myself that it's just a phone call and it's not like the person on the other end can instantly get to me.  "It's just a phone call" I keep repeating to myself.  Sometimes to ensure I don't stutter too much or outright say something out of sorts I'll write down exactly what I want to say and how I'd respond then I'd just repeat as needed throughout my call. Having confidence and courage are 2 major...

I'm still here, I'm just going through some shit.  It's been so hard to get on the computer.  One person to a household with 3 kids and one of whom is an adult. My update is coming though. 

Empathy hits me so deep as I can literally feel the aches and pain others endure.  The way I feel so bad for people is how I'm easily taken advantage of.  I know in my heart that if I had only looked through his phone that day I'd see something that would have broke my heart.  I force myself to not even try getting into any of his accounts.  It would completely shatter my heart and ruin any chance ever of loving and appreciating or most of all trusting a man again.  I simply do not trust him.  Why do I love someone so much that I cannot trust?

I've not been myself lately.  The things I've been doing are going to be traumatizing to me in some way eventually.  This is not the life that I pictured; this is not the life that I thought I'd have.  I don't like to say that I didn't work hard enough because I put in so many hours at the nursing home and spent so many days, evenings, and nights away from my kids.  Many mornings I was up 3 or 4 o'clock to be at work by 6 or 7. I used work to escape the discomfort I felt at home. There was quite a few times when I'd either volunteer or be mandated to stay for an extra shift. A regular day I'd leave at 2 or 3 though many days it could have been any time between then and 11:00 pm.  The life I have now is completely different.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself.  I stay up way too late and sleep most the day, then get up pissed off because I did nothing I was supposed to do.  What am I doing to myself but making choices that are hurting me more t...

The only time someone changes is when they lose something.  It's very rare that you will find someone who just changes their life easily.  Some people change for the worse and some change for the better, it just depends on how they handle it.  If you lose your arm, leg, sight, or the ability to hear it would change your way of life . The loss of a sibling, parent, or grandparent changes you. Losing a job forces you to make a change. It doesn't matter who you are, everyone will at some point in their life have to manage through a time of loss and it will change your life. 

  Sometimes when I look at my children I feel sad for them.  Both of my boys really struggle in life.  My oldest son has a drinking problem. Seeing him drink the way he does breaks my heart because I caused him trauma at a young age and I see what's happening.  I hear him go on and on sometimes and deep down I know exactly what he's really saying and I know why. He puts on such a tough guy act and talks like he's big and bad with that "nobody can fuck with me" demeanor though he's actually the complete opposite of what he portrays.  He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring man. It's been blocked out of my mind for the last 16 years and now watching my son a long with the flashbacks that jolt in and out of my brain I've been trying to work through the hurt, guilt, and shame lingering within me.  About 2 years ago I began noticing past events coming to surface and I've had no choice but to endure those thoughts.  I've spent a lot of time cryin...

 We sometimes like to think that the grass is always greener on the other side but the truth of the matter is that the grass will be greener wherever you water it.  A way to be thankful about a current situation is to think about the ways in which it could be worse.  Even when it seems as if it couldn't get much worse think about what it's like having a finger chopped off, or breaking both legs, or learning your child has a life threatening illness.. there are so many ways in which we could be in a situation that could have us begging to be only going through what we are right now.  Instead of wanting to tread on someone else's lawn try getting a water source and take care of your own. 

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As I sit to ponder on it I've decided that people who are truly happy with themselves and their life are the ones that don't have much.  The less we have in our possession is the less we have to worry about. It makes me want to get rid of all these material items just taking up space in my apartment.  What causes me to keep memorabilia from farther back than I can even remember? The first few years of life are influenced so deeply by the behavior of the adult that is caring for us. Our influence at that age is so crucial to the rest of our lives.  It literally forms who we are to begin with and our experiences long after are how we grow and actually learn.  It takes a great loss for people to change who and what they are except for the vary rare ones who just want something bad enough that they decide to do whatever it takes to make it happen. The way I learn and the way I feel was programmed in me by way of the behavior of my parents when my brain was brand new. How...

 It doesn't matter what you look like or what you weigh if your heart is ugly, you're ugly. My son's father told me one time that it doesn't matter how good looking someone is someone somewhere is sick of their shit. 

 Have you ever been put in the situation where you are being forced out of your comfort zone to take a stand?  Have you ever known someone who does nice things for you but only when the outcome benefits them? Has anyone ever asked you do something that could potentially cause you severe set backs in the future?   I overthink things and I dwell on them at times for way too long.  There's someone I know that lives a reckless lifestyle and every time I encounter her she makes my life chaotic.  I've distanced myself from her because I really don't need the stress or pressure.  People will act shady in front of you towards someone else then they'll try to do the same things to you, not realizing that it's noticeable. I've been conned into doing things before many times and it's gotten me where?  I'm not looking to live that irresponsible and immature life anymore.  I never wanted to it's just my choices influenced my destinations even if in those ...

 Some people will drive you to your death but then mourn when you're gone.. what a strange world we live in.. ass backwards 

 Being a parent when your heart is hurting makes it the hardest job.  Today I stopped dead in my tracks and thought about how lonely I am.  I've been longing for companionship.  The complete lack of intimacy causes irritability and frustration.  I'm short tempered.  It's hard to live out every day without feeling love or passion.  I don't feel his touch or his love anymore.  It pisses me off because he doesn't understand how it effects me every moment I have to go without a universal human need.  The need for touch is exceeding the threshold in my brain.  Each and every day I get up and cater to my kids.  There is never a day that I can just live.  It feels like there's never anyone to pick me up when I fall.  It might make me stronger and more educated as I get older though in time lonely lives fade off into the sunset.  If we don't use it we lose it.  It's only 9:11 a.m. and it's been a rough morning.  I'd...

Since January 1, 2024, my boyfriend has been in prison, and in July he transitioned from county jail to a state facility. Since that time, I have occasionally received notifications from the state indicating that his messages were not delivered due to policy violations. During our recent phone conversations, he expressed his curiosity about why I never replied to his messages where he voiced his concerns about the medical staff, policies, and procedures. Regardless of the specifics, I don't see any reason why those emails should have been blocked. Although I haven't seen the contents, I find it hard to believe that allowing those emails would pose any risk to the department. The emails were simply expressions of non-threatening medical concerns, without any corruption or conspiracy. Also on March 5 he called me to tell me he was in the box and that he doesn't remember what happened.  He said that he was in the box and the last thing that he remembers is going to bed.  The r...

 Lately I've been really trying to follow Mel with her Let Them Theory.  I'm going to buy that book. I already get the idea of it but I still like to read into the way others think of and tell a story. I'm aware that I look for aspects of myself in others and critique them. What confuses me is that it's me in the past I seek and then bitch about. There are so many parts of my past that I truly wish I could go back and change.  It makes me wonder if that's the reason I can't move on to a better phase. Personally I keep saying that my life will be less chaotic once I have a vehicle on the road.  Maybe it won't though.  There are internal feelings that vary in favor of buying a car or not.  I really need a vehicle in case of emergencies with one of my children. It's been 4 years that I've struggled getting them places they needed to be and it's the worst feeling in the world knowing your child needs something like the doctor or dentist though having...

Sometimes my heart bleeds over my good judgement causing me to continuously make decisions similar to all the others, always leaving me at square one.  I've been keeping a journal since I was 14 years old and when I go back in them to read I get to wondering about myself, and if I'll ever make the jump or if I'm going to continue hanging off the edge.  Something about the edge is spontaneous and fun but it only lasts for a minute per day.  The thing that seems to set me back is the view. From the edge the view is always familiar which is more than most people can handle. There is fear behind the jump because there's no telling where I'll land.  I know that I don't want to sit on a ledge waiting, wondering, and worrying.  Even if jumping doesn't land me right where I want to be, it's probably where I need to be to get where I'm meant to be.

  The best way to start a conversation with someone is by listening to them. If you want to talk to someone be sure you've heard them.

The best way to talk to someone is to just listen.  

  I hope all of my readers have a blessed day.  Remember that it doesn't matter what you look like or what you weigh if your heart is ugly you're ugly.  Period! Make someone smile today.  Let someone know you care.  It doesn't cost anything to be kind. Thank you so much for your time.