It's a DuBarr Thing

 My boyfriend has been incarcerated for quite some time now and every so often he asks me to send him song lyrics. He asked me to send him lyrics to the song "Girl" by the Beatles and in addition to what the Beatles wrote I created another verse in response.                                                                                       "Girl" by the Beatles Is there anybody going to listen to my story all about the girl who came to stay? she's the kind of girl you want so much, it makes you sorry still you don't regret a single day ah, girl, girl when I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her she will turn to me and start to cry and she promises the earth to me and I believe her after all this time I don't k...

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I stated:  I believe that making anything more expensive is overwhelming and in doing so the government is influencing massive hardship for so many individuals . If children are the future, presence over presents, the happiness of the couple is the success of the family then why is Child support literally something for people to bitch about? Bitch because they have to pay it or bitch because they have't received it  You are pointing out a truth that a lot of people feel trapped by: when the government creates rigid financial systems, it often causes massive, overwhelming hardship instead of actually fixing the problem. The child support system was designed with the idea that money equals security for a child. But in reality, it often turns into exactly what you described—a massive source of resentment, constant fighting, and legal stress where one side feels financially drained and the other side feels completely neglected. Your phrase "presence over presents" gets to th...

 I'll question everything now maybe not out loud but you'll hear me and you'll see the way I allowed you to change me it's more like I've evolved you might not enjoy me at all but if you won't leave me  and I won't leave you how do we live? what do we do? I'll respect your honesty and shame your lies my intuition is as accurate as the look in your eyes before I knew, I really trusted you and if I were to be completely honest I don't feel like you're through and I think what hurts me the most is the battle I have with myself the one about being enough when I thought I was all along then you came around and proved me wrong.

 During my childhood and teenage years, my mother often contradicted herself in what she communicated to me. She would say that I didn't need a man or anyone else, but then she would follow up with comments suggesting I wouldn't be able to make it on my own or achieve certain things. I've come to realize how much these conflicting messages have affected my adult mindset. Recently, I've noticed that making decisions has become increasingly challenging for me. There are days when I find it hard to leave my room, and I end up second-guessing every question or option I face. This has led to feelings of shame regarding my behavior, as it is clearly impacting my life.

Around 13 years ago, I began living with a guy whose roommate was incarcerated. When the roommate was released, he came to the apartment to collect his belongings that my ex had set aside for him, and that was our first encounter. After some time, I managed to leave that situation, and about 10 years later, I started communicating with the roommate, which quickly turned into some passionate one-night stands. We probably met a few times each year for several years. It’s been about 5 or 6 years since we last hooked up, a decision I made because, despite his attempts to reach out, I just didn’t feel right about it. It was strange since he is quite attractive, very passionate, and enjoys continuing intimacy after climax, but I sensed he was becoming possessive and uneasy about anyone else being around me. It felt like he wanted me to allow him to take control, but I wasn’t willing to do that. The last time he came over unexpectedly, I was talking with my son’s friend in the kitchen. When I...

 It's been quite some time since I've been able to sit and actually express the way I've been feeling lately and how it's impacted my ability to move along.  Decisions are my biggest challenge.  Half the time I feel like I don't know where I'm going or when.  I'll sit around all damn day before I get up and start getting anything done.  The symptoms of whatever it is I'm experiencing are so much worse when my children are around.  They really don't know and I don't expect them to know the type of chaos that presents itself in my mind. My daughter will stand next to me and relentlessly ask me the same thing again and again.  She doesn't take being told no very well. She's very persistent and she tries the "whoa is me" whining, which in turn only pisses me off.  For instance she will say "well I was going to ask you but I know you'll just say no" or "fine, if you don't let me then I'm going to run in the...

 I am thankful for my job. I'm so lucky. To be continued....

"I can’t wait to turn 18," the kid from next door exclaimed. In reply, I questioned whether he understood what lay ahead. He paused for a moment before admitting, "Aside from the casino, I’m not really sure." I responded, "It’s death." Death is the inevitable conclusion we all face in the end. Regardless of our pursuits, we cannot escape death. If more individuals reflected on this reality, would it encourage them to take life at a more leisurely pace instead of rushing toward their goals? I ponder what it would take for the younger generation to slow down and appreciate the beauty that exists in everyone, everywhere, if only we allow ourselves to recognize it.  The only way to instigate change is through consistent practice. We acquire knowledge every day, but the key to truly internalizing and expressing what we learn lies in diligent study. After a week or two of adjusting to a new job that demands a good night's sleep before rising early five days ...

 Lately I just don't feel good about myself.  I've got this phobia with using the phone and it messes with important aspects of my life.  For instance, years could pass by and each day I put off until the next calling the oral surgeon or primary care physician.  Whenever it comes to making any appointment it takes multiple breathing techniques to actually pick up and dial a number. Then more deep breaths waiting for the response.  There are many things I need to make a priority as well as initiative to get them done.  To do that I have to convince myself that it's just a phone call and it's not like the person on the other end can instantly get to me.  "It's just a phone call" I keep repeating to myself.  Sometimes to ensure I don't stutter too much or outright say something out of sorts I'll write down exactly what I want to say and how I'd respond then I'd just repeat as needed throughout my call. Having confidence and courage are 2 major...

I'm still here, I'm just going through some shit.  It's been so hard to get on the computer.  One person to a household with 3 kids and one of whom is an adult. My update is coming though. 

Empathy hits me so deep as I can literally feel the aches and pain others endure.  The way I feel so bad for people is how I'm easily taken advantage of.  I know in my heart that if I had only looked through his phone that day I'd see something that would have broke my heart.  I force myself to not even try getting into any of his accounts.  It would completely shatter my heart and ruin any chance ever of loving and appreciating or most of all trusting a man again.  I simply do not trust him.  Why do I love someone so much that I cannot trust?

I've not been myself lately.  The things I've been doing are going to be traumatizing to me in some way eventually.  This is not the life that I pictured; this is not the life that I thought I'd have.  I don't like to say that I didn't work hard enough because I put in so many hours at the nursing home and spent so many days, evenings, and nights away from my kids.  Many mornings I was up 3 or 4 o'clock to be at work by 6 or 7. I used work to escape the discomfort I felt at home. There was quite a few times when I'd either volunteer or be mandated to stay for an extra shift. A regular day I'd leave at 2 or 3 though many days it could have been any time between then and 11:00 pm.  The life I have now is completely different.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself.  I stay up way too late and sleep most the day, then get up pissed off because I did nothing I was supposed to do.  What am I doing to myself but making choices that are hurting me more t...

The only time someone changes is when they lose something.  It's very rare that you will find someone who just changes their life easily.  Some people change for the worse and some change for the better, it just depends on how they handle it.  If you lose your arm, leg, sight, or the ability to hear it would change your way of life . The loss of a sibling, parent, or grandparent changes you. Losing a job forces you to make a change. It doesn't matter who you are, everyone will at some point in their life have to manage through a time of loss and it will change your life. 

  Sometimes when I look at my children I feel sad for them.  Both of my boys really struggle in life.  My oldest son has a drinking problem. Seeing him drink the way he does breaks my heart because I caused him trauma at a young age and I see what's happening.  I hear him go on and on sometimes and deep down I know exactly what he's really saying and I know why. He puts on such a tough guy act and talks like he's big and bad with that "nobody can fuck with me" demeanor though he's actually the complete opposite of what he portrays.  He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring man. It's been blocked out of my mind for the last 16 years and now watching my son a long with the flashbacks that jolt in and out of my brain I've been trying to work through the hurt, guilt, and shame lingering within me.  About 2 years ago I began noticing past events coming to surface and I've had no choice but to endure those thoughts.  I've spent a lot of time cryin...

 We sometimes like to think that the grass is always greener on the other side but the truth of the matter is that the grass will be greener wherever you water it.  A way to be thankful about a current situation is to think about the ways in which it could be worse.  Even when it seems as if it couldn't get much worse think about what it's like having a finger chopped off, or breaking both legs, or learning your child has a life threatening illness.. there are so many ways in which we could be in a situation that could have us begging to be only going through what we are right now.  Instead of wanting to tread on someone else's lawn try getting a water source and take care of your own. 

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As I sit to ponder on it I've decided that people who are truly happy with themselves and their life are the ones that don't have much.  The less we have in our possession is the less we have to worry about. It makes me want to get rid of all these material items just taking up space in my apartment.  What causes me to keep memorabilia from farther back than I can even remember? The first few years of life are influenced so deeply by the behavior of the adult that is caring for us. Our influence at that age is so crucial to the rest of our lives.  It literally forms who we are to begin with and our experiences long after are how we grow and actually learn.  It takes a great loss for people to change who and what they are except for the vary rare ones who just want something bad enough that they decide to do whatever it takes to make it happen. The way I learn and the way I feel was programmed in me by way of the behavior of my parents when my brain was brand new. How...

 It doesn't matter what you look like or what you weigh if your heart is ugly, you're ugly. My son's father told me one time that it doesn't matter how good looking someone is someone somewhere is sick of their shit. 

 Have you ever been put in the situation where you are being forced out of your comfort zone to take a stand?  Have you ever known someone who does nice things for you but only when the outcome benefits them? Has anyone ever asked you do something that could potentially cause you severe set backs in the future?   I overthink things and I dwell on them at times for way too long.  There's someone I know that lives a reckless lifestyle and every time I encounter her she makes my life chaotic.  I've distanced myself from her because I really don't need the stress or pressure.  People will act shady in front of you towards someone else then they'll try to do the same things to you, not realizing that it's noticeable. I've been conned into doing things before many times and it's gotten me where?  I'm not looking to live that irresponsible and immature life anymore.  I never wanted to it's just my choices influenced my destinations even if in those ...