Where is my diligence?

I've not been myself lately.  The things I've been doing are going to be traumatizing to me in some way eventually.  This is not the life that I pictured; this is not the life that I thought I'd have.  I don't like to say that I didn't work hard enough because I put in so many hours at the nursing home and spent so many days, evenings, and nights away from my kids.  Many mornings I was up 3 or 4 o'clock to be at work by 6 or 7. I used work to escape the discomfort I felt at home. There was quite a few times when I'd either volunteer or be mandated to stay for an extra shift. A regular day I'd leave at 2 or 3 though many days it could have been any time between then and 11:00 pm.  The life I have now is completely different.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself.  I stay up way too late and sleep most the day, then get up pissed off because I did nothing I was supposed to do.  What am I doing to myself but making choices that are hurting me more than helping me.  Why would I continue to make these choices knowing what I know? Everyday I'm given an opportunity to show myself the courage hiding somewhere inside me. I say that I'd be happy if I could just figure out getting a vehicle because I would then be able to do the things I need to do as a mother. That alone would help me to feel amazing.