Welcome To My World
# It's a DuBarr Thing
*Pronounced doo-bar.*
**Life is complicated. People are complicated. And sometimes, the thoughts we carry inside us need somewhere to go.**
Welcome to *It's a DuBarr Thing* — my little corner of the world where I put life into words, one thought at a time.
Life has a way of bringing our past back to the surface, teaching us lessons we didn't know we needed, and challenging us to look at ourselves a little differently. Some days bring happiness and gratitude. Other days bring frustration, regret, questions, and truths we'd sometimes rather avoid.
Here, I write about all of it.
This is a place for honest reflections, life lessons, relationships, personal growth, gratitude, mistakes, second chances, and the things we don't always feel comfortable saying out loud. Sometimes I'll share a lesson I've learned. Sometimes I'll simply need to get a thought out of my head and onto paper. And sometimes, I might write something that makes you stop and think about your own life.
I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not here pretending to have all the answers. I'm still learning, still growing, and still figuring things out as I go.
My hope is that somewhere among my words, you'll find something that makes you smile, makes you think, helps you feel understood, or reminds you that you're not the only one who's ever felt a certain way.
Because life is too short to spend it pretending to be someone we're not.
**These are my thoughts, my lessons, my perspective, and my journey.**
Some may agree. Some may disagree. And that's okay.
After all, we each see the world through a different set of eyes.
So take what speaks to you, think about what challenges you, and leave room for a little understanding along the way.
**This is life through my eyes. This is my story, still being written.**
And well… *It's a DuBarr Thing.*
Sometimes when I look at my children I feel sad for them. Both of my boys really struggle in life. My oldest son has a drinking problem. Seeing him drink the way he does breaks my heart because I caused him trauma at a young age and I see what's happening. I hear him go on and on sometimes and deep down I know exactly what he's really saying and I know why. He puts on such a tough guy act and talks like he's big and bad with that "nobody can fuck with me" demeanor though he's actually the complete opposite of what he portrays. He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring man. It's been blocked out of my mind for the last 16 years and now watching my son a long with the flashbacks that jolt in and out of my brain I've been trying to work through the hurt, guilt, and shame lingering within me. About 2 years ago I began noticing past events coming to surface and I've had no choice but to endure those thoughts. I've spent a lot of time cryin...
We sometimes like to think that the grass is always greener on the other side but the truth of the matter is that the grass will be greener wherever you water it. A way to be thankful about a current situation is to think about the ways in which it could be worse. Even when it seems as if it couldn't get much worse think about what it's like having a finger chopped off, or breaking both legs, or learning your child has a life threatening illness.. there are so many ways in which we could be in a situation that could have us begging to be only going through what we are right now. Instead of wanting to tread on someone else's lawn try getting a water source and take care of your own.
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As I sit to ponder on it I've decided that people who are truly happy with themselves and their life are the ones that don't have much. The less we have in our possession is the less we have to worry about. It makes me want to get rid of all these material items just taking up space in my apartment. What causes me to keep memorabilia from farther back than I can even remember? The first few years of life are influenced so deeply by the behavior of the adult that is caring for us. Our influence at that age is so crucial to the rest of our lives. It literally forms who we are to begin with and our experiences long after are how we grow and actually learn. It takes a great loss for people to change who and what they are except for the vary rare ones who just want something bad enough that they decide to do whatever it takes to make it happen. The way I learn and the way I feel was programmed in me by way of the behavior of my parents when my brain was brand new. How...
It doesn't matter what you look like or what you weigh if your heart is ugly, you're ugly. My son's father told me one time that it doesn't matter how good looking someone is someone somewhere is sick of their shit.
Have you ever been put in the situation where you are being forced out of your comfort zone to take a stand? Have you ever known someone who does nice things for you but only when the outcome benefits them? Has anyone ever asked you do something that could potentially cause you severe set backs in the future? I overthink things and I dwell on them at times for way too long. There's someone I know that lives a reckless lifestyle and every time I encounter her she makes my life chaotic. I've distanced myself from her because I really don't need the stress or pressure. People will act shady in front of you towards someone else then they'll try to do the same things to you, not realizing that it's noticeable. I've been conned into doing things before many times and it's gotten me where? I'm not looking to live that irresponsible and immature life anymore. I never wanted to it's just my choices influenced my destinations even if in those ...
Some people will drive you to your death but then mourn when you're gone.. what a strange world we live in.. ass backwards
Being a parent when your heart is hurting makes it the hardest job. Today I stopped dead in my tracks and thought about how lonely I am. I've been longing for companionship. The complete lack of intimacy causes irritability and frustration. I'm short tempered. It's hard to live out every day without feeling love or passion. I don't feel his touch or his love anymore. It pisses me off because he doesn't understand how it effects me every moment I have to go without a universal human need. The need for touch is exceeding the threshold in my brain. Each and every day I get up and cater to my kids. There is never a day that I can just live. It feels like there's never anyone to pick me up when I fall. It might make me stronger and more educated as I get older though in time lonely lives fade off into the sunset. If we don't use it we lose it. It's only 9:11 a.m. and it's been a rough morning. I'd...
Since January 1, 2024, my boyfriend has been in prison, and in July he transitioned from county jail to a state facility. Since that time, I have occasionally received notifications from the state indicating that his messages were not delivered due to policy violations. During our recent phone conversations, he expressed his curiosity about why I never replied to his messages where he voiced his concerns about the medical staff, policies, and procedures. Regardless of the specifics, I don't see any reason why those emails should have been blocked. Although I haven't seen the contents, I find it hard to believe that allowing those emails would pose any risk to the department. The emails were simply expressions of non-threatening medical concerns, without any corruption or conspiracy. Also on March 5 he called me to tell me he was in the box and that he doesn't remember what happened. He said that he was in the box and the last thing that he remembers is going to bed. The r...
Lately I've been really trying to follow Mel with her Let Them Theory. I'm going to buy that book. I already get the idea of it but I still like to read into the way others think of and tell a story. I'm aware that I look for aspects of myself in others and critique them. What confuses me is that it's me in the past I seek and then bitch about. There are so many parts of my past that I truly wish I could go back and change. It makes me wonder if that's the reason I can't move on to a better phase. Personally I keep saying that my life will be less chaotic once I have a vehicle on the road. Maybe it won't though. There are internal feelings that vary in favor of buying a car or not. I really need a vehicle in case of emergencies with one of my children. It's been 4 years that I've struggled getting them places they needed to be and it's the worst feeling in the world knowing your child needs something like the doctor or dentist though having...
Sometimes my heart bleeds over my good judgement causing me to continuously make decisions similar to all the others, always leaving me at square one. I've been keeping a journal since I was 14 years old and when I go back in them to read I get to wondering about myself, and if I'll ever make the jump or if I'm going to continue hanging off the edge. Something about the edge is spontaneous and fun but it only lasts for a minute per day. The thing that seems to set me back is the view. From the edge the view is always familiar which is more than most people can handle. There is fear behind the jump because there's no telling where I'll land. I know that I don't want to sit on a ledge waiting, wondering, and worrying. Even if jumping doesn't land me right where I want to be, it's probably where I need to be to get where I'm meant to be.
The best way to start a conversation with someone is by listening to them. If you want to talk to someone be sure you've heard them.
The best way to talk to someone is to just listen.
I hope all of my readers have a blessed day. Remember that it doesn't matter what you look like or what you weigh if your heart is ugly you're ugly. Period! Make someone smile today. Let someone know you care. It doesn't cost anything to be kind. Thank you so much for your time.
Post-partum depression was something I didn't experience until my last child. I'm unsure if the fact that she's a girl had anything to do with it. My first two children were boys. Each of my kids has widely opened my eyes to new meanings in life. My firstborn and oldest son more or less grew up with me. Although I was smarter and one of the more responsible around my age I still made some horrible decisions. Some people wouldn't change a thing looking back. Not me. If I could go back and make different choices, I would. There's no doubt about it. I have regrets, but I also am smart enough to know that I can't dwell on them. By dwelling on them I'd just be holding myself back from new experiences. The only way I'll be able to live each day is by accepting those regrets as the choices they were; the lessons they've been for me. It's not easy to do and some days the battle wears me out. Growing up I ...
I suppose it's not an exciting email. We are on my mind. All the situations and the emotions I've been left to have. It's got me thinking that our love isn't the same. In reality, I see us trying another time or two though it occurs to me that my love has been completely unconditional. Still, it's been apparent all along that for you to love me there have been conditions. It's just been brought to my attention recently and I was told to sit and think back to the beginning. I see myself putting my all into someone who was dealing in numbers and I don't even know what mine was. You accomplished what you wanted.. part of me feels like you only came to me when you had no place else to go. I have been the last resort. 'what you say is only in persuasion and if I have what you need it only stauls you from leaving, it never once has stopped you.. that's not love. Not real love anyway. Real love is unconditional like the love that exists in me, f...
Father - Mother God Loving me, - Guard me when I sleep Guide my little feet Up to thee. ~Mary Baker Eddy~ As a child, my mom used to say this little prayer with me every night.
Today I'd like to give thanks to all of my readers. We may not interact but I can feel the energy. Any day now one of my platforms is going to take off. I've been working on them both for quite some time and whether I make it around the world or not I just enjoy it in my free time.
About 5 years ago I met this guy that I wasn't attracted to nor was I even curious about him. It only took about a year for me to realize that I really liked him a lot. I wanted to hang out and talk to him more but unfortunately, he got locked up. Since we have been officially dating he has spent most of this time in jail. I know what people are thinking and can't live worrying about what anyone else has to say. The hurt and betrayal I've felt have certain people asking me questions as to why I would stay with someone who betrays and hurts me the way he does. The answer to that is, I haven't come across anyone that makes me feel the way he makes me feel. He messes up a lot and has given me a dozen times to leave him and I just can't. So during his first bid, I was overwhelmed writing letters. I started using blank note cards. Then I found a way to design my own. They are so worth it. Glossy covered, centered photo, 5 different design...
You never had me from hello in fact, a whole year I said no but you appeared one night from then on you've been my sight clueless to the base of my attraction I can't think of reasons why you're such a distraction you're everything I desire being around you gets me higher I should say "it got" because, around me you're not you get many chances to make better choices you always choose to go where the noise is maybe you think I'll steer you wrong maybe it's me just singing the same ol' song
