Welcome To My World

# It's a DuBarr Thing *Pronounced doo-bar.* **Life is complicated. People are complicated. And sometimes, the thoughts we carry inside us need somewhere to go.** Welcome to *It's a DuBarr Thing* — my little corner of the world where I put life into words, one thought at a time. Life has a way of bringing our past back to the surface, teaching us lessons we didn't know we needed, and challenging us to look at ourselves a little differently. Some days bring happiness and gratitude. Other days bring frustration, regret, questions, and truths we'd sometimes rather avoid. Here, I write about all of it. This is a place for honest reflections, life lessons, relationships, personal growth, gratitude, mistakes, second chances, and the things we don't always feel comfortable saying out loud. Sometimes I'll share a lesson I've learned. Sometimes I'll simply need to get a thought out of my head and onto paper. And sometimes, I might write something that makes you stop and think about your own life. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not here pretending to have all the answers. I'm still learning, still growing, and still figuring things out as I go. My hope is that somewhere among my words, you'll find something that makes you smile, makes you think, helps you feel understood, or reminds you that you're not the only one who's ever felt a certain way. Because life is too short to spend it pretending to be someone we're not. **These are my thoughts, my lessons, my perspective, and my journey.** Some may agree. Some may disagree. And that's okay. After all, we each see the world through a different set of eyes. So take what speaks to you, think about what challenges you, and leave room for a little understanding along the way. **This is life through my eyes. This is my story, still being written.** And well… *It's a DuBarr Thing.*

I'm it!

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 Being a parent when your heart is hurting makes it the hardest job.  Today I stopped dead in my tracks and thought about how lonely I am.  I've been longing for companionship.  The complete lack of intimacy causes irritability and frustration.  I'm short tempered.  It's hard to live out every day without feeling love or passion.  I don't feel his touch or his love anymore.  It pisses me off because he doesn't understand how it effects me every moment I have to go without a universal human need.  The need for touch is exceeding the threshold in my brain.  Each and every day I get up and cater to my kids.  There is never a day that I can just live.  It feels like there's never anyone to pick me up when I fall.  It might make me stronger and more educated as I get older though in time lonely lives fade off into the sunset.  If we don't use it we lose it.  It's only 9:11 a.m. and it's been a rough morning.  I'd like a weekday off from work so I can actually get some stuff done before tending to my kids after school.  Honestly I don't look forward to weekends, or vacations, holidays, or summer break.  I actually dread it.  Especially because once again I won't have a vehicle.  It drives me absolutely insane listening to my daughter whine and cry and scream at me because we can't go anywhere and she has no one to play with.  It's the hardest most complex job anyone could ever have. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, drinks, homework, backpack, school clothes, after school activities, playing, disciplining, explaining, answering questions, teaching responsibility, laundry, dishes, groceries, doctors, the school, work, no transportation, no intimacy, no support, no one to help.  It's all me.  Every single fucking day it's all me. I'm it! Most of the time I think I handle it pretty well though sometimes it builds up in me and I can't keep my emotions in check.  Crying seems to be the only way I can relieve the pressure that builds up but I don't want to cry anymore.  I keep saying that if I could just get a few days here by myself I could make this place manageable.  Without the kids here I could organize and give every item a home so then I could put things where they belong as well as get rid of shit that has no home or purpose.  I've got to go to work so I better lose my attitude.  I am so thankful for this opportunity to vent and I'm very appreciative to those of you who take the time to read my blog.  Feel free to comment, I like having different points of view.

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