It's a DuBarr Thing

 Some people will drive you to your death but then mourn when you're gone.. what a strange world we live in.. ass backwards 

Sometimes my heart bleeds over my good judgement causing me to continuously make decisions similar to all the others, always leaving me at square one.  I've been keeping a journal since I was 14 years old and when I go back in them to read I get to wondering about myself, and if I'll ever make the jump or if I'm going to continue hanging off the edge.  Something about the edge is spontaneous and fun but it only lasts for a minute per day.  The thing that seems to set me back is the view. From the edge the view is always familiar which is more than most people can handle. There is fear behind the jump because there's no telling where I'll land.  I know that I don't want to sit on a ledge waiting, wondering, and worrying.  Even if jumping doesn't land me right where I want to be, it's probably where I need to be to get where I'm meant to be.

  Post-partum depression was something I didn't experience until my last child.  I'm unsure if the fact that she's a girl had anything to do with it.  My first two children were boys.  Each of my kids has widely opened my eyes to new meanings in life.  My firstborn and oldest son more or less grew up with me.  Although I was smarter and one of the more responsible around my age I still made some horrible decisions.  Some people wouldn't change a thing looking back.  Not me.  If I could go back and make different choices, I would.  There's no doubt about it.  I have regrets, but I also am smart enough to know that I can't dwell on them.  By dwelling on them I'd just be holding myself back from new experiences.  The only way I'll be able to live each day is by accepting those regrets as the choices they were; the lessons they've been for me.  It's not easy to do and some days the battle wears me out.  Growing up I ...

Life is like sports teams... our children need to know that everyone plays a different part to come together as a team. This is what kids need to know.  People are different.  People think different.  That's how the world has evolved into all that it is. Being on a sports team makes you better at life.  Everyone puts in a different mindset that together creates something people will value. 

  If there happens to be another life for me, I'd like to be born with the same knowledge I leave this life with. After living there's a few things I'd like to be aware of for my next life.   Granted I get one, I'd like to know how important it is to form a good reputation for yourself. Word of mouth is the most credible way to spread information. When you're good to people; when you act accordingly, treating people with respect even in their weakest moments, allows you to get the upmost respect. If I could I'd like to realize how important it is to do good in school so that I apply myself from the start. Can I know that true love wants to know you spiritually and intellectually before ever knowing you intimately and sexually?  In my next life I want to know more about my health, my mind, and my body. Reading body language will help me drastically. From the beginning I'll respect my mom, I'll show her more love.  I'll realize that my trauma's nee...

 As a young girl and up through my teens I'd have thoughts about relationships, marriage, and kids, sure.  Like many other teenagers I wanted to test the waters.  The idea of being loved always inspired me to dream like a little girl but my dreams involved more nature, driving, sight seeing, sex, drugs, music, and so on.  Rather than buying a house with a white fence and starting a family I wasn't easy to be with so I spent a lot of my time doing things on my own.  Many people struggle immensely with even just the idea of being alone.  It's important never to fill the void but to be your own void.  I know for me it's the hardest thing in the world to be a good mom when your heart is breaking and I feel like that holds true for a majority of people in this world.  A lot of men grow up and want to feel like men.  They have an innate desire to provide and protect so I believe it's safe to say that they seek out prospects that help them fill thos...

 Every single day I get annoyed with my children.  I'm also mad at myself every single day because I get so annoyed.  It's got to be confusing for them if it's definitely confusing for me.  I just don't really know what I can do to manage and deal with the every day stress of being a mom 24/7.  In my world there is no breaks, we identify as adults, and the word "bored" isn't in our vocabulary.  There is always something to do.  It has occurred to me on multiple occasions that I need to embrace and appreciate my life and my children more because there's going to come a time when it will fade and I'll miss this. I do know that I need to make those good and happy memories now so they have a better way to remember me when I'm gone. ~live a life you want to be remembered by~ LL Think about it.  When you're gone, how would you want to be remembered?