Welcome To My World
# It's a DuBarr Thing
*Pronounced doo-bar.*
**Life is complicated. People are complicated. And sometimes, the thoughts we carry inside us need somewhere to go.**
Welcome to *It's a DuBarr Thing* — my little corner of the world where I put life into words, one thought at a time.
Life has a way of bringing our past back to the surface, teaching us lessons we didn't know we needed, and challenging us to look at ourselves a little differently. Some days bring happiness and gratitude. Other days bring frustration, regret, questions, and truths we'd sometimes rather avoid.
Here, I write about all of it.
This is a place for honest reflections, life lessons, relationships, personal growth, gratitude, mistakes, second chances, and the things we don't always feel comfortable saying out loud. Sometimes I'll share a lesson I've learned. Sometimes I'll simply need to get a thought out of my head and onto paper. And sometimes, I might write something that makes you stop and think about your own life.
I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not here pretending to have all the answers. I'm still learning, still growing, and still figuring things out as I go.
My hope is that somewhere among my words, you'll find something that makes you smile, makes you think, helps you feel understood, or reminds you that you're not the only one who's ever felt a certain way.
Because life is too short to spend it pretending to be someone we're not.
**These are my thoughts, my lessons, my perspective, and my journey.**
Some may agree. Some may disagree. And that's okay.
After all, we each see the world through a different set of eyes.
So take what speaks to you, think about what challenges you, and leave room for a little understanding along the way.
**This is life through my eyes. This is my story, still being written.**
And well… *It's a DuBarr Thing.*
Learn more about yourself or if you are in a relationship the two of you can answer these questions to find out just how similar or how different your beliefs are. It's nice to know when you're on the same page. They're questions requiring sentence based answers that just give you a better idea of what you want from a relationship. My purpose for this is to have people putting more effort and thought into getting to know one another. Before a relationship, before having children, before living together it's very important to know a tad bit of what is to come. Enjoy with or without a partner. Self Interest Questionnaire
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If anyone at anytime ever thought I was a fool, it's only because I've let them. There was once a time when I caused or joined chaos on it's journey through my teens and twenties. It lingered, lurked, and sucked me right in. Then, next thing you know it came to my attention that my own choices resulted in all of this chaos. There was a passage in a book that I read and it really caught my attention. I'm pretty sure that when I read and wrote it down I added my own wording to it. But here it goes "Chaos is unpredictable energy that cannot be controlled. It has raw power and power is always potentially dangerous. Chaos will turn a warm heart cold and with that type of power one's heart can sink". I don't know the name of the book or author off the top of my head though when I get moved into my new place and unpack my books I'll be able to refer the beginning of that quote to the author of the book I read it in.
One of these days someone is going to interact with me on here and it's going to feel amazing. Thank you in advance. Something that I want to touch base on is addiction stereotype. Stop acting like you're better than anyone. Don't ever count yourself out of going through a tough time. There are so many people out there that have known no love in their life. They live only where they've left off in learning. Usually around age 9 is where people realize they have a mind of their own that causes them to be impulsive. Around the ninth year is when children begin to defy the rules more and more. The influence bestowed upon us until that point is directly related to the ways in which we were cared for prior. Something I've always said in relation to individual evolving is that everything we need to know (IN ORDER TO GET BY), we learn in Kindergarten. I emphasize that because of course we don't learn everything in Kindergarten. That's...
Anticipating Next Time: It’s been a long lonely winter and she’s glad the sun is shining more and the days are growing longer. Her man had been away for what seems like eternity and she’s been anticipating his homecoming since he left. It was the day before the big day and she had to work. She was determined to make it through, keeping busy enough so she didn’t even pay attention to time. That’s the way she liked it. She never really had too much of an issue finding things to do. It was more about the idea that she was always alone in everything she did. Tomorrow would be the end of her loneliness. She imagined this event for so long. The next day was finally here. He came in the door and walked straight up to her with open arms so as soon as their bodies were together he held her in them, tight, like he missed her and never wanted to let her go again. He smelled so delicious that her desire for him was obvious. Her breath was so heavy and felt so hot on his neck. The ...
Life is like sports teams... our children need to know that everyone plays a different part to come together as a team. This is what kids need to know. People are different. People think different. That's how the world has evolved into all that it is. Being on a sports team makes you better at life. Everyone puts in a different mindset that together creates something people will value.
Yesterday September 29 2024 my sister would have been 41. I often wonder what she would look like, if she would have had any children, where does she work, and where would she be living? I often wonder what life would have been like had she made it here. She is buried in Ohio where my dad's family is from. Living in New York since I was three, I'm not sure my mom has ever been back to Ohio. She's never been to my sister's grave. She didn't know that my sister was buried next to my paternal grandfather and that she has a beautiful head stone. My mom thought she was buried in the hill with all the other babies and had a cross in her name. When my dad died a few years ago my aunt brought me to see my grandma and my sister's graves. Well, my grandma is in a drawer. She's laying with her head in the west and feet in the east so when her soul sits up it's facing the sunrise. If I could ever have dependable transportation of my own I'd lik...
Are historians naturally depressed because they live in the past? I am told that I live in the past and what's funny is that since it's been pointed out, I see it. Often I think back to what was and just how different things have become. Time has gone by and part of me says there is so much more to accomplish though there is a small part of me that see's myself as I will always be. I'm unsure why that is; lack of courage I presume. I'd like to have more courage. Right now I'm super insecure because of my tooth or lack there of. It's very embarrassing. When a customer comes in I like to smile and say hello though when I do their eyes go right to my mouth. If I smile a little bit, like a grin, barely showing my teeth it's not noticeable. Then I smile naturally and I'm all teeth and that rotten spot is smack dab in the middle. I'm going to have a root canal done. I've never had one and am very nervous. Ple...
Today I am thankful for my neighbor. She has been kind enough to allow my daughter to spend the day with her and her children which gives me opportunity to do some things. If only I'd actually do these said things. I've made my bed and I cleaned the hallway. Give me some credit! I'm also thankful for the truth. Everyone deserves the truth. Nobody should ever be left to sit and wonder about anything for more than 24 hours. Why wait? If you want or don't want something say it. I'm going to get out of the house today. It's my choice to be happy and I need to get back to it. I've been pretty negative lately and it's come to my attention that people do not want to hang out with someone who is consistently complaining. So today is a beautiful day and I don't want to miss it. I love you all and I love myself.
When I had my first child my mom quit her job to stay home with him while I went to work. It wasn't always a shit show. I definitely took advantage of that situation. A few years in she was drinking pretty much every day and night. She really was not the best influence though you pay for what you don't pay for. For the past 8 years I've lived next door to someone who stole from me, talked bad about me, controlled me, used me, and tried to give me a bad name. Everyone would ask me why in the world I would stay "friends" with someone like that. Well you know what? I had to choose my battles. I had to do things I felt I needed to make sure my kids had milk and bread. I wasn't working and had no way to get to a job because much of the time I've been without transportation. So I dealt with all of the bullshit to make sure my children had food and drink. You pay for what you don't pay for. I'm vulnerable right now. I've needed my car fixe...
If you want to change something about the world then you need to start a campaign. Get involved. Vote. There is power in numbers so make your speech publicly and get your community behind you. Voting is so important. People say to me "why should I vote it's not going to matter because they fix it to their liking anyway". Well in response to that I will say that it is very possible the government fixes it to their liking because they have the opportunity when the amount of people who actually understand and care about voting decreases every year. So many people I meet over the years don't give a shit about voting and then complain over certain rules, regulations, and laws. One person can change the world but first you have to change their minds. If anything is fixed it's because there isn't enough people paying attention. When people realize that the constitution is in place for the purpose of reason and fairness in the world they'll ...
I have the upmost respect for split parents who can still be friendly out of respect for their children. Those are the people that really think about how greatly affected our kids are by our behavior and attitude. You see, the way I feel about it is: to even first have a child, in most cases, two people got a long enough time to make a baby. It's likely that two people had a good time together at one point. Whether it was a one night stand or a whole relationship, two people enjoyed enough of each other to have sex so what in the actual fuck is the problem? Why can't you get along for the sake of your children? Why does it always have to result in chaos? If it's been established that the relationship is not working whether it be for one or both parties agreeing, there is no reason why you can't set those differences aside, leave them in the past, and let them go. If one says they're not happy there is no way the other doesn't feel it and become unhappy as wel...
Under this silence lies a stance, the silence hurts more than learning reality. It's happened before, choosing ignorance over honesty and again here I sit. Waiting and wondering just how long you want to keep this peace? How cruel do you intend to be? With each passing day frustration burns through my veins and my impatience ignites a fire. Looking down, my hands cover my face and with a breath I whisper "but I've got to be a mom". Yet, maybe this is good for me and all I would need. For if I didn't it's likely this place would burn in flames. Tight wrinkles of my forehead while my eyes look for answers, I'm more worried and confused because you've got to have something to say? Expressing yourself comes foreign, you'd rather stray from me while sorting your thoughts. Emotionless and without empathy you can't see just how much your silence is killing me. Actions prove who someone is. Words just prove who they pretend to be.
Imagine being 90 years old looking back at a life gone so fast. You've buried a few peers, maybe even a child or two. A brother or a sister have joined your mother and father. You're trying to enjoy however long the rest of your life is. Your children have done had their kids. And on you're on your front porch or in your recliner. It's a wonder what happened? What's next?
There is life after abuse. I can promise anyone that. The thought of being abused never occurred to me. I've always lacked courage even though I've been so tough. It's been 12-13 years since I had been beaten and left for dead. All this time has gone by and for some reason the last couple years I've been having terrible flashbacks and visions of things that happened. It kills me what I put myself and my boys through because I was nervous, scared, vulnerable, and I was so sad. I remember it like it was yesterday and I hate myself for feeling so stuck in those times. We were eating dinner. My son didn't do anything wrong and my ex took it upon himself to say that he did. He said he mouthed back and that was the reason he picked my son up by his neck, held him on the washing machine before he threw him in a cold shower. My son was 7 years old. My ex held me back and wouldn't let me get to my son. There is no excuse....
Since I was 15 years old I've inconsistently used drugs. My drug of choice has always been meth though I've dabbled in acid, shrooms, cocaine, crack, molly, E, and pills. The only thing I don't partake in is heroin. I've never had any interest in it for whatever reason. From the age of 15 I've gone in phases where I've taken breaks from everything. Depending on who and what I had going on in my life. It really makes a difference who you hang around. You are who you hang with. If you start second guessing your life and choices then you need to stop and take a look around at the people you surround yourself with. If you don't change your atmosphere then how can you change your life? Influence is huge pertaining to the choices we make. If we don't have good influence then our choices won't be very good. Don't be a follower, be a leader and always be open minded to new experiences that provide information. ...
I'm not sure exactly the point at which I realized that I deserved to be who I am, feel the way I feel, as well as anything I desire to work for. Just like I have learned that I am in control of my happiness and have no control over anyone else's. I've learned that it's okay to tell someone "no". How they react from there is their own choice. If they don't like that answer, too bad. That's on them. However they react isn't even my business and I should never be sorry because they're angry or throwing a fit. The answer is "no" and don't be sorry. Experience has taught me that many times we will be heading down one path, having one destination. People fear change, they fear the unknown. Where there is fear there is sorrow. 90% of the world are genuinely good people with good intentions. Good people go through bad times, It's important for everyone to always try to have a back up plan. A lot of choices made now should h...
Even though my mom was my primary resource my dad still played a huge part in my life. I always had what I needed as well as many things I didn't need. My dad always made sure to tell me he loved me. He always called, sent me cards, sent me letters, and often sent me money. My mom showed me a letter that she received from my dad at one point that basically thanked her for being a kind and understanding person that never pursued child support. He claimed that if she had he'd never have gotten as far as he did in life. As for my opinion on child support, I feel that it's for absent parents not failed relationships. First I have to say that I do believe and understand that there are certain situations that are just not safe for anyone let alone a young child. Naturally no child should ever be made to go to or left in an unsafe environment. It is very sad when your child ends up in the hands of the other parent who is not stable enough and an incident occurs that unfortuna...
Has anyone else ever sat down and thought to themselves "shit, I'm mean"? I've wondered before if I had it all wrong though today more than ever I am really questioning myself. The reason being is I have terrible OCD and things have to go a certain way. It's one of the main reasons I don't go anywhere or visit many people. I'm unsure how to push those feelings of control aside for the people that just need safety from me. I'll never hurt any child physically though unintentionally I believe I frighten them because I'm stern or my beliefs are so intense that I have to have things done a certain way which is normally never the kids way. Tonight as I sit here on the edge of my bed I want to know how I can be different? I want to know how I can maintain a level of being stern but not so obsessive that I scare a kid? When something is done under the strategy of someone else's brain I want to be able to accept their way, fully accept their proc...
I don't know how to stop being mad at and hating myself so my children stop thinking that I hate them. The truth is I am so ashamed of my life and how I've gone no where. Learning how to cope in society today from what it was for me growing up has been more than complicated. The comments under my breath, the constant sighing, rolling my eyes, and acting as if it's the worst thing in the world that they ask me for anything when I'm busy. It is true and for every reason, that my children think I hate them. The thing about it is that it's not true at all. I love them and I am mad at myself for not doing better for them. They deserve so much better than what I've been able to give them. It's super important for our upbringing that every child has the experiences from both a male and female role model. Realistically we need these role models until we're about 35. It's possible there is much truth behind women needing less time though at ...
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