Posts

Phone Phobia

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 Lately I just don't feel good about myself.  I've got this phobia with using the phone and it messes with important aspects of my life.  For instance, years could pass by and each day I put off until the next calling the oral surgeon or primary care physician.  Whenever it comes to making any appointment it takes multiple breathing techniques to actually pick up and dial a number. Then more deep breaths waiting for the response.  There are many things I need to make a priority as well as initiative to get them done.  To do that I have to convince myself that it's just a phone call and it's not like the person on the other end can instantly get to me.  "It's just a phone call" I keep repeating to myself.  Sometimes to ensure I don't stutter too much or outright say something out of sorts I'll write down exactly what I want to say and how I'd respond then I'd just repeat as needed throughout my call. Having confidence and courage are 2 major...
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I'll be back...

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I'm still here, I'm just going through some shit.  It's been so hard to get on the computer.  One person to a household with 3 kids and one of whom is an adult. My update is coming though. 
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Empathy Deep

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Empathy hits me so deep as I can literally feel the aches and pain others endure.  The way I feel so bad for people is how I'm easily taken advantage of.  I know in my heart that if I had only looked through his phone that day I'd see something that would have broke my heart.  I force myself to not even try getting into any of his accounts.  It would completely shatter my heart and ruin any chance ever of loving and appreciating or most of all trusting a man again.  I simply do not trust him.  Why do I love someone so much that I cannot trust?
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Where is my diligence?

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I've not been myself lately.  The things I've been doing are going to be traumatizing to me in some way eventually.  This is not the life that I pictured; this is not the life that I thought I'd have.  I don't like to say that I didn't work hard enough because I put in so many hours at the nursing home and spent so many days, evenings, and nights away from my kids.  Many mornings I was up 3 or 4 o'clock to be at work by 6 or 7. I used work to escape the discomfort I felt at home. There was quite a few times when I'd either volunteer or be mandated to stay for an extra shift. A regular day I'd leave at 2 or 3 though many days it could have been any time between then and 11:00 pm.  The life I have now is completely different.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself.  I stay up way too late and sleep most the day, then get up pissed off because I did nothing I was supposed to do.  What am I doing to myself but making choices that are hurting me more t...
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