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Where is my diligence?

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I've not been myself lately.  The things I've been doing are going to be traumatizing to me in some way eventually.  This is not the life that I pictured; this is not the life that I thought I'd have.  I don't like to say that I didn't work hard enough because I put in so many hours at the nursing home and spent so many days, evenings, and nights away from my kids.  Many mornings I was up 3 or 4 o'clock to be at work by 6 or 7. I used work to escape the discomfort I felt at home. There was quite a few times when I'd either volunteer or be mandated to stay for an extra shift. A regular day I'd leave at 2 or 3 though many days it could have been any time between then and 11:00 pm.  The life I have now is completely different.. I'm just not sure what to do with myself.  I stay up way too late and sleep most the day, then get up pissed off because I did nothing I was supposed to do.  What am I doing to myself but making choices that are hurting me more t...
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Changes

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The only time someone changes is when they lose something.  It's very rare that you will find someone who just changes their life easily.  Some people change for the worse and some change for the better, it just depends on how they handle it.  If you lose your arm, leg, sight, or the ability to hear it would change your way of life . The loss of a sibling, parent, or grandparent changes you. Losing a job forces you to make a change. It doesn't matter who you are, everyone will at some point in their life have to manage through a time of loss and it will change your life. 
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The affect of our negligence..

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  Sometimes when I look at my children I feel sad for them.  Both of my boys really struggle in life.  My oldest son has a drinking problem. Seeing him drink the way he does breaks my heart because I caused him trauma at a young age and I see what's happening.  I hear him go on and on sometimes and deep down I know exactly what he's really saying and I know why. He puts on such a tough guy act and talks like he's big and bad with that "nobody can fuck with me" demeanor though he's actually the complete opposite of what he portrays.  He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring man. It's been blocked out of my mind for the last 16 years and now watching my son a long with the flashbacks that jolt in and out of my brain I've been trying to work through the hurt, guilt, and shame lingering within me.  About 2 years ago I began noticing past events coming to surface and I've had no choice but to endure those thoughts.  I've spent a lot of time cryin...
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Water your grass..

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 We sometimes like to think that the grass is always greener on the other side but the truth of the matter is that the grass will be greener wherever you water it.  A way to be thankful about a current situation is to think about the ways in which it could be worse.  Even when it seems as if it couldn't get much worse think about what it's like having a finger chopped off, or breaking both legs, or learning your child has a life threatening illness.. there are so many ways in which we could be in a situation that could have us begging to be only going through what we are right now.  Instead of wanting to tread on someone else's lawn try getting a water source and take care of your own. 
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